Attempting Adulthood

I bought books for the upcoming semester today. That means I bought them before classes started. This is a big step for me and basically means that it won’t be too long until I am a full-fledged grown-up. There are a few things I must understand before I embark on this lest I look like a poser.
It is important you know that I am already a step behind my peers because people often inquire about my upcoming high school graduation. I chuckle politely and instantly dislike them, “No, ma’am I am actually graduating from college in May.” They gasp in surprise and laugh at their mistake, insisting that I will surely appreciate that when I get older. Mhmm, okay, thank you so much, I’ll let you know how I feel in thirty years. Without my face helping me look the part, I have to work twice as hard to be a convincing adult.

There are a few things I must work on:

Politics: I have heard that Barack Obama is the current president. I am unaware of whether he is good at it. I have no firm opinions on virtually anything in Washington and trust that our government leaders are more educated and capable than I am in the matters of the world. That, of course, must change. To be a self-respecting adult, I simply cannot believe that politicians have it under control besides, of course, my favorite. If I do not master this, I doubt I will ever get a second invitation to a dinner party.
Sliding Elegantly onto a Barstool: I think this speaks for itself. I have a small stature and thus have to do an awkward hop and scooch to get onto barstools. I can be the best dressed girl around in the classiest bar in the city, but if I have to hop and scooch onto my barstool I instantly lose credibility. Poser.
Money: In The Sun Also Rises, Hemingway wrote, “How did you go bankrupt?” to which the character responded, “Two ways. Gradually, then suddenly.” I spend vast amounts of money on coffee and pastries. If this continues, I will become broke gradually, and then quite suddenly. This will be my story: bankruptcy by coffee addiction.
Walking in Heels: Every girl looks beautiful standing in heels. The real test is when she decides to go from point A to point B. If I do not look comfortable, by default I look utterly ridiculous. Go put on your Nike shorts and Chacos because it’s back to college for you.
Talking: I talk more than I breathe. Because of the continual nature of my speech, I cannot constantly be monitoring what I say. It’s just not realistic. I must slow down or I will be an adult for a whole five minutes before making a fool out of myself. [See also: Politics]

There are a Few Things I am Prepared for:
Talking: I may talk a lot and thus say dumb things, but I also talk a lot and say a lot of things. A percentage of the things that come out are bound to be intelligent, witty, charming, life-changing, etc. When the timing is correct, my talking has even been known to make me a friend here or there.
Being Alone: If my talking is taking a while to make me a friend, I do not need to fret. I enjoy hanging out with myself. When I am alone, I can be whoever I want to be – oftentimes I choose to be “aloof.” Aloof Emilie is rich, classy, well-educated, and well-travelled. She knows her wines really well. She paints. I always wonder who is intimidated by me while being aloof and I secretly hope it is everyone.
Apartment Life: You know the montage of the recent graduate dancing and sliding around in her socks with a broom as a microphone in a big empty apartment? I’ve got that down. I also have a Pinterest app so said apartment won’t be big and empty forever but delightfully cozy and wonderful.
Attempting: While there are still some things I need to work on, at least I am trying to be a sophisticated, intelligent adult. That’s more than can be said for a good chunk of my generation. I watch black and white movies, prefer wine to cheap booze, and am constantly in the middle of a classic novel. (I am always in the middle of said novels because they are next to impossible to complete.) But that is why this section is called “Attempting.” I’m trying. And soon enough you’ll be wildly impressed by how effortlessly I glided across the room in my heels and slid onto that barstool, no problem. I will then surprise you with a witty comment and laugh with you before proposing my idea to end the current government issue.

You agree wholeheartedly with my idea, by the way. You’re welcome.

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