The Story of the Only Single Person in the Entire World

A short story for you on this Valentine’s Day:

They got the ratios wrong.
One or two bisexuals chose opposite of what They expected and made the ratios wrong.
So here I am: the only single person in the entire world.
They thought They had it perfect. Everyone would be paired up. Everyone would fall in love, get married, acquire a baby. But no. One slipped through the cracks.
Me.
Wow! you may be thinking, In the future, have we unlocked the secret to a happy marriage?
No. We absolutely have not. I would say a good majority of the couples are downright miserable, but they just deal with it. Better to be married to someone you can’t stand than to be the only single person left in the entire world. They don’t even think about switching out for me. I’m a wild card.Why is she the only single person in the whole world? She must be an unreal level of crazy. The likes of which man has never seen before!
I’m actually pretty normal. There’s really no reason for me specifically to be the only single person in the whole world. But I thought the ratios would be right! I didn’t realize I was in a race! So at first I was extremely picky. Only the handsome ones! Only the funny ones! Only the romantic ones! Only the ones who don’t smell of old socks and cheese!
Then it became popular for women to be single and independent, so I stopped dating to find myself and gain confidence and sass.
It wasn’t actually popular to be single. It was all a facade. The minute anyone found a decent boy who liked them they suddenly discovered themselves and coupled. Before I knew it, I looked around and realized I was the last one.
A self-aware, confident, and sassy third, fifth, seventh wheel forever.
If I put on makeup, my mother looks at me with a disappointed stare. Homewrecker? she seems to ask. In her eyes, in everyone’s eyes, there’s no reason for me to put any thought or effort into my appearance or personality unless I am trying to steal a man. So I don’t. Mundane conversations and ending every sentence with a question mark seems to do the trick. It’s easier to keep friends that way too. The girls aren’t intimidated and the boys wouldn’t care either way.
I am famous though. I’ve graced many a news station (in sweatpants and unbrushed hair.)
“What’s it like to be the only single person in the entire world?”
“LIBERATING!”
“What do you do on weekends?”
“LAUGH AND DANCE AND COOK AND READ!”
“Do you think you’ll ever find love?”
“THE LOVE OF MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS IS ALWAYS ENOUGH!”
It’s weird and I watch TV and no because there’s no one left.
I read old blogs a lot.
25 Reasons It’s Better to be Single
50 Ways Boys Will Never Be as Great as Your BFF
18 Ways to Discover the True You
They occasionally help me feel sassy, liberated, independent. If nothing else, they’re entertaining. And horribly misleading. And generally ridiculous. Actually, I don’t know why I read them; they are no help at all.
I have to go. About to have brunch with Sarah&Will, Laura&Scott, and Tiff&Cody. I’m bringing a succulent plant that I’ve kept alive for a while as my date. His name is Stan.
The End.

I turned my calendar to February a few days ago (I realize February started more than a few days ago. Give me a break people, we can’t all be Martha Stewart.) I filled out as much of my calendar as I could when I first bought it because my brain is like a bee hive and I try my best to make it like a normal human house. So anyway, I flip to February and there, written on February 14th, is the exciting and uplifting agenda: Hide under a blanket.
PLEASANT, Emilie, PLEASANT.
I rolled my eyes at six-month-ago-Emilie. And then I thought, “Please. It’s not like you’re the only single person in the whole world. YOU’RE GREAT! YOU’RE LIBERATED! YOU’RE INDEPENDENT! (Except for, like, how your parents still help out a bunch because they’re the greatest and you literally could not breathe without Jesus and you love all your friends so much that without them you would physically implode. So, like, basicallyindependentsorta.)” And then I thought, “Ooh, I should write a horribly depressing short story about the last single person on the earth and share it with everyone on Valentine’s Day!”
So I did.
If you’re alone this Valentine’s Day, be happy you are not the only single person in the entire world. There’s actually a lot of single people and a lot of them are great and happy and liberated and sassy and maybe some of them will be single forever but at least the above story will never come true. There are no ratios; that is ridiculous.
Hooray and enjoy all the love today! 🙂

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